


Putting Away Childish Things

by Baamon5evr



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-22
Updated: 2014-10-22
Packaged: 2018-02-22 03:24:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2492666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baamon5evr/pseuds/Baamon5evr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You believe something as unreliable as love will fix what's wrong with this world?" She asks with disbelief because how can a man like him: a weapon, cold, calculated and focused rage, a wolf howling to a blood moon, a ghost you'd be loath to look upon lest one look struck you down dead. How can a man like him be so utterly childish?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Putting Away Childish Things

Natalia--

No Natasha, she reminds herself.

Natasha would not say her foster father, Ivan Petrovitch, was an overly religious man but sometimes she did wonder. Sometimes when she was given permission by her Red Room superiors to spend time with him (under guard of course) he stops when they pass catholic churches (a rarity in this part of the Motherland) and makes her confess her sins to the priest. It confuses her because he is a soldier and he has preached to her the necessity for the horrors she's committed, the necessity of the furtherance of Mother Russia since she was small. She wonders what the priest thinks as she tells him of the red dashed against her ledger but they always absolve her of her sins (the ones she remembers anyways) and send her off to sin some more (and forget more).

She wouldn't call Ivan overly religious but sometimes she wonders. When it is time for her to be given her alias he is glad it is Natasha because it means the same as Natalia, "Christmas day". The day a savior was brought to the world. She sees hope shine briefly in his eyes when he thinks of it, someone sent to save them all if they just confess their sins. When he notices the feeling himself he's quick to remind her that the savior was foolish and he died just as easily as she can so she must stay on guard and learn from his mistake. Once you root out any and all Judases in your life, you kill them with extreme prejudice.

She would not say Ivan is overly religious but at times she wonders. He quotes Bible scriptures at her sometimes. Most fly over her head soon thereafter and are forgotten in the haze of red and bullets flying and flesh landing maliciously against flesh and sweet lips shining innocent smiles which secretly hold deadly kisses but one verse comes back to her and stays in her mind never to leave her.

"'When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.' Love is the most childish thing in this world Natalia. You are no longer a child, nor will you ever be one again. Love is for children and you must put childish things behind you so put love behind you and do what you must for the Motherland."

She lived by that code for years after. Love is for children, she reminded herself every day, and I am no longer a child. So she does not love the Winter Soldier when they first meet, her sixteen, he already older than he looks. He tries to break her (physically anyway), she ends up breaking him she supposes (mentally and emotionally if nothing else).

She is 21 and lying in bed naked next to him, the serum they pumped into her a year ago made the tingling between her legs much more prolonged but the serum they gave him made the hardness of his length withstand their first orgasm and after round seven their bodies finally gave them relief and now they are a tangled mess of limbs in a motel room. She is staring at the ceiling and can feel him staring at her face. He often stares at her, she enjoys knowing she makes him stop whatever he's doing and become completely absorbed by her mere presence. It's not a matter of love, it's a matter of pride and ego (or so she's convinced herself).

"What are you thinking of?" She asks. He snaps out of whatever reverie had drawn him in and turns more to her.

"I think I love you, Natalia Romanova." Her breath hitches a bit in her throat and she does her best to keep her composure as she listens to him try and feel his way through this conversation. Conversing is hard for him. His language is violence, she understands it better than most but she also knows it was a language taught to him like the Russian that flows from his tongue effortlessly but with an accent that is just prominent enough for her to tell that despite some rumors he is not Russian. She thinks his original language might of been one of love, that childish emotion, hers was too a long time ago but they had to put that away. He had to understand that, she thought he did, she was wrong.

"I don't think I'm supposed to know what love is, I don't think I'm supposed to understand it much less feel it. I don't think they programmed me that way but now... this feels very much like how I think love would feel, how it should feel. It's scary but it doesn't feel bad. It is rare now to have something that doesn't feel bad. So I think I love you Natalia Romanova and I think I'm okay with that." He gets himself to say, in English because she needs to perfect her accent now that she is officially Natasha Romanoff (speaking of she should tell him not to call her Natalia anymore, she should've long ago but she doesn't.) She knows how hard it was for him to say all of what he just said so she does not wish to cheapen what he has said with a callous response but it's her turn to teach him, he must learn that he can't love her.

"Love is a fleeting fickle emotion, James." She says turning her head towards him, calling him James because they are alone and she has the luxury of calling him by his remembered first name.

"'When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.' Love is for children, it is a childish emotion and you must put it away." She tells him firmly. He stares at her expressionless for a moment before his face breaks into a (very, very rare) wide grin and he begins laughing at her. She is confused because she was being serious, she was trying to help him, to teach him, to train him like he trained her. He looks at her with eyes wide and aware and full of amusement before he speaks again.

"Well damn doll, if everyone thinks like you do it's no wonder the world has gone to seven different kinds of hell." He says to her with an accent that she doesn't know, can't place, hasn't come across yet (though she suspects it's American of some sort) and she likes this accent from him because it sounds natural, it sounds like the true him and though she wishes to be angered that her lesson flew over his head the accent tempers her and she wonders at his words.

"You believe something as unreliable as love will fix what's wrong with this world?" She asks with disbelief because how can a man like him: a weapon, cold, calculated and focused rage, a wolf howling to a blood moon, a ghost you'd be loath to look upon lest one look struck you down dead. How can a man like him be so utterly childish?

"Did I ever tell you of the one mission I failed on?" He says suddenly and that startles her.

"You've never failed--"

"No one knows I failed, not even our superiors." Natasha-- no Natalia, looks at him intently waiting for him to elaborate.

"I was sent to kill a woman, a Japanese scientist who was withholding some information about the serum. I was supposed to use whatever means necessary to take her down, make her death brutal, make it a statement. I took her easily enough, even started torturing her and just as I was about to continue I heard her praying. I didn't find this odd. Everyone seems to remember whatever god or deity they believe in with enough pain. I listened closer and realized she wasn't praying she was talking to someone. When I went inside before I could continue she told me about a woman she loved. The way she spoke of her, the look on her face, the tone of her words, the difference in her voice when she said this woman's name, the reverence she had for her: it was all real. In that moment, it was the realest thing in the world. She told me everything she could think of about her woman, told me all about how they met, how they fell in love, how they fell apart, her regrets, their dreams for each other and I listened and I wanted it. I wanted to feel it, that depth of feeling so consuming that it poured out of you involuntarily. I _wanted_ it so badly. I didn't know why she told me any of it but she did and I put her on a train out of Russia alive and gave my superiors a finger I'd already cut from her as proof of death. They never knew. Just learning of love, deep true love was enough to make something like me--"

"Someone." Natalia corrected gently. James smiled a bit at her automatic response.

"Some _one_ like me break my programming, break the rules and fail my first mission in years." He turned to her fully so they were now face to face and nose to nose.

"Maybe love won't fix everything but it'd be a start. It fixed me. You fixed me." She shakes her head at that.

"You fixed you, not that there was much to fix."

"I still don't even think of myself as human without you to remind me, _dorogoya_. The scientist said love makes you believe more. It inspires you to be a better person, a fuller person. I can believe it. I think even if it doesn't last to have loved at all in this world is a miracle." She cuts him off with a kiss after that and burrows into his chest. He doesn't seem to mind that she doesn't say it back. He says it to her with more certainty in his voice every time they see each other. A part of her wishes to punch this Japanese scientist for ever putting such fanciful tales in James' head, another part wishes to punch Ivan for taking those fanciful tales away from her but all of her wants to be with James even if she can't get herself to tell him she loves him. When she is staring at James' frozen form, his hand reached out to the glass for help and his memories burned from his head, she is glad she did not say those words to him because this image would hurt more. She is glad when they change her memories, she does not wish to remember that.


End file.
